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Dear Wilder

Dear Wilder: Wild fruit turned me blue | 8/25/2020

Dear Wilder: We live in metro Atlanta about 6 miles from downtown. In case you didn’t know, Atlanta is known as the city in a forest. With that, my family and I decided to get into camping this summer, but as you know – there’s that big killer virus we’re all dealing with…(you know the one named after that refreshing beer we all drink at the beach with tequila shots when you don’t have kids)…anyway, camping – We’re getting into it but in our backyard, some local parks, and maybe some short road trips.

My wife had a great idea (she has a lot of them, it’s what makes her awesome) for our first adventure. We should forage for wild food. I was iffy about it but said, “What the heck, let’s do it.” Besides we all need to get out of the house and off our screens. What better way to do it than acting like cave-people? We jumped in the car and drove an hour or so outside of Atlanta where we found a nice little place to do our foraging.

Long story short Wilder, because I know you’re a busy person, we found this nice little place on the side of the road and with baskets in hand: set out foraging for food. I think we did well. We collected mushrooms; wild shiso and mint; spice-bush berries, elderberries, mulberries, blackberries, and more.

One unexpected find and the reason I’m writing today is about this golfball size blue purplish fruit. We could not identify it. But, since there was a lot of it, we thought it was safe and proceeded to collect them. My wife commented, “It’s probably rich in antioxidants.” I guess I agreed, and we all decided to try them. It was delicious. None of us had eaten something so exquisite tasting. It was the ultimate blueberry pie melting in our mouths. We gobbled them up.

Everything was fine until we all came to dinner that night. We were all swollen and blue. Meet the blueberry family I joked. Nobody laughed. Well, I’m pretty sure our dog was secretly having a good giggle. We rushed to the emergency room and we’re still there now. They’ve run every test imaginable but have no diagnosis. They told us, “We’re stumped and seeking outside expertise.” That’s when I thought of you Willy B. I bet you know what’s happening. Can you please advise? BLUEBERRIES IN ATLANTA

Dear Blueberries: I recommend you immediately roll yourself and your family down to the juicing room and let a team of Oompa-Loompas take care of the problem.

‘Wilder Burroughs’
PLEASE NOTE: WILLIAM WILDERLING BURROUGHS ‘WILDER’ IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. THE STORIES ARE MADE UP. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ADVICE FROM WILDER BURROUGHS. SEEK PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE FOR ANY ISSUES YOU MAY HAVE WHILE CAMPING, HIKING, OR ANY OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES.

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